Writing Pains

I need to write.

Ok, that does not seem like a hard problem to solve, right? Just write you say? Well... I can't seem to find the words.
I have the stories, I am seeing the characters. They are all running like film strips in my head. But when I pick up my pen, or sit down at the computer to type, the words disappear. The characters are jumbling up and nothing seems clear.

I guess this is some kind of writer's block? Ugh.

It is frustrating me to no end. I need to write these stories, I need to get the film strips to stop running, they are starting to drive me nuts because they are on loop and running into each other.

The only way I know how to make it stop is to write it out. Just trying to work through it and writing what I can is not helping. The more I write the wrong words the more insistent my characters are getting. Angry imaginary people are very hard to get rid of.

I just want to get it all out make the imaginary people happy and myself sane(ish) again.

Adventures in Dogsitting

For the last few days I have been sharing my life with a friend's dog. (Said friend is out of town) Although I am a dog lover, and P is a well behaved dog, who knew that I would be so ready to not have an animal?

Night 1- No issues, P slept peacefully and without complaint.

Morning 1- On time to work, did not go to the gym because of the extra time needed to walk the dog and such...no issues.

Afternoon 1- Went on long walk with dog after work. Then relaxed. No issues. P did not have any issues being alone in the apartment by herself all day.

Night 2- GOOD LORD! P was so restless. Kept me up most of the night. No earthly reason why.

Day 2- Running slightly behind because of exhaustion in the morning. Decided in the afternoon to exhaust the dog. So two long walks, lots of playtime, and no unnecessary sleep before going to bed.

Night 3- P slept well, and so did I! Yay!

Day 3- On schedule for the day. Came home from work, walked the dog, then loaded the dog up for a visit to my dad's house. P was fine on the ride to and from.

Now my friend is on her way home from the airport, so I get to have my apartment back! Such a small dog, although not really too many issues can cause such a need for my own life is so telling about me.

Interestingly enough, even knowing that an animal would drive me crazy, I still would love to have one. I think the reason for that is just what is happening right now; I am sitting on my couch with the dog curled up next to me. It's a relaxing thing to have a warm animal next to you. I am going to miss it, but really only that!

Autumn

Today is the first full day of autumn. Officially my favorite time of the year. Sadly, though, in Northern Virginia, it is very much still summer. Temperatures today are to be in the 90s.

What is it about the changing of seasons that people love? Is it just the change in and of itself? Out with the old, in with the new mentality? People are always saying they can't wait for the weather to warm, yet when it is hot, they can't wait for it to cool. They need the rain, but can't stand the storms. Can we never be content with what Mother Nature deems to grace us with?

My dad is not afraid to stay with one steady season, Summer. He loves it and does not complain when it gets hot, he expects it. He knows he needs rain, but never claims to like it. He does start to mourn the loss of summer when the air chills, and gets excited when it warms.

I, on the other hand, mourn the loss of the chill. I love fall, winter and early spring. Summer is not a favorite season. Too hot, too humid, too sunny. Yes, I did just complain about the sun. I like watery, wintry sunlight that never gets to hot.

I love fall because of the bite that comes into the air as it chills. I love the colors, golds and reds and browns. I adore the scents, rotting leaves, spiced apples, freshly sharpened pencils, and smoke.

I will probably always live in a place that has 4 very distinct seasons, although I would not mind living somewhere that summer was, although distinct, very mild. :)

So, Happy Fall, everyone. Enjoy the season, because it will end all to soon, then we can enjoy another!

I am a sports fan

I am a sports fan.

I thank my father for this. He has regularly told me that unlike most men, he wished that I was a girl, because he knew that he would put too much pressure on a little boy to be an athlete. Dad was a baseball player. He played on all of the little league, high school, all-star teams that they had. I love hearing the stories he tells, mostly because it sounds like a play-by-play with color commentary of some of the most exciting games ever played. I know people make fun of what they call their parents or grandparents "war stories," but for some reason I have always loved listening to my dad's.

I still remember my dad teaching me how to throw a baseball and a football. I also remember a painfully bad attempt to teach me how to shoot a basketball. The football was hard and still is, but I've got it down now. I have small hands now, and of course even smaller ones when I first learned to throw. Because of the size of the football, (and I seem to remember it being a mini football) I could still not get my hand around enough to not let it slip out of my hand. Even today, with a regulation sized ball, my hand is too small it seems to be able to stay in my hand, let alone through a decent spiral, which I do. The baseball was much easier.

Then came catching. Good reflexes made that pretty easy although I remember being scared of ball when my dad threw it. I learned quick that if I kept my eye on the ball, I didn't get hit. Good life lesson there.

Batting was interesting as well. I did have the obligatory swing the bat allllllll the way around, watch the ball sail right on by. But I got that too.

I always figured that my dad would have wanted a boy, and sometimes I felt that I needed to do boy things to make him happy and for him to like me (child of divorce, I got over it). Then I realized I really just love to play the sports and watch the games.

I claim "hometown" sports teams as the ones I follow, mostly. Hometown, because it's Dad's hometown and because I spent most summers out east with him, learning said sports. So, yes, I am a Redskins fan. I am a Caps fan. I am a Nats fan. I am a Wizard fan. I am a United fan. I am a Mystics fan. (for all of you that have no idea what sports those are: in order, football, hockey, baseball, men's basketball, soccer, women's basketball.) The last three I don't necessarily watch regularly, but if I have to choose a team, those are the ones.

The one exception to this rule is that I am also a Boston Red Sox fan. Random, I know. Here is the reasons. My dad was a Senators fan, (Original Washington baseball team), when they moved (long before I was born), he said he would be a Yankee fan until Washington got a team again. I started out being an Baltimore Orioles fan, until Cal Ripkin retired, then I looked at the team and thought "I don't really have an attachment to the team, just him." So I started looking for a new team. I thought about the Yankees, but they were too....bourgeois. I became anti-Yankee fan, meaning as long as the Yankees lost I was happy. From there it was a natural progression to become a Red Sox fan.

I know that when sports come on the television, I easily get sucked in. It does not even matter what sport it is. Golf can suck me in if that's all I have to watch.

So that being said, Go all my sports teams, have good seasons whenever they are!

Mornings

I am a morning person. I love the peacefulness of this time of the day. There is something about the start of a new day that makes me feel like wiping the slate clean and starting over. It takes a lot to make me upset or unhappy before say 9am. After that, no promises.

Mornings have always been my favorite time of the day. When I was a teenager I did not get a lot of time to sleep in. Responsibilities, what a bummer. But I did get to see the sun rise, and let me tell you, that is one thing that never fails to make me smile. I could have the worst day ahead of me, but the sun rising always reminds me that it can't be that bad if I get to see this everyday.

Most people hate me in the morning because I am happy and energetic long before they are ready to greet the day. I bounce out of bed most morning. I am so not kidding. My alarm goes off and I am ready to go. I dance and sing my way through getting ready for work. Not because I love my job (although I do enjoy it), but just because I am happy about a new day.

Have you ever felt that? That you are just happy that you did indeed wake up? "Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the Present." Another one of those quotes I am not sure where I got it but it frames up nicely what I am trying to say. The day is the gift and the sun rise is the big (pick your favorite color) bow!

Enjoy your day, whenever it started!

Family Vacation...

Today is day two of my vacation. I am visiting family.

Because I am a product of divorced/remarried parents, I have more family then is really necessary. That being said, like everyone I have parts of the family I like, some I barely stand, and some I love. This vacation is with the ones I love! Which is why this is a vacation.

Having family is a gift, that you can never return. I have, and I am sure everyone else does too, members of the family that I wish came with a gift receipt. I don't even need cash back, store credit will do. Sometimes I am quite willing to donate them to charity, no need for the tax write-off.

I was once told that I did not have to like them, but I had to love them because they were family. I still hold to that.

So, getting back to vacation with family, I love this part of my family. They have all the best parts of people. They are funny, smart, interesting, loving and of course understanding. The conversations that are had are amazing! When I was a kid I could not wait to be an adult for these vacations, just because the group of adults here are some of the best people I know. Thinking back on previous trips I have realized that more than any other time in my life, these people have truly shaped the adult I have become.

Although many things could and probably would have come to light all without the help that these people have given me, I doubt that I would have the courage to have done half of it. Reading, although encouraged in school, my stepmother, dad, uncle and grandmother have always encouraged. Between gifting me with books of every all kinds, and taking the time to read to me when I was little, I have been pushed to love books. My cousins, although younger than me help to keep me grounded. That is hard to explain but they have a way of putting things into a perspective that I never think of.

I learned from this family that love is unconditional and blood does not always make the strongest bonds. (I mentioned earlier that my parents had divorced and that both remarried. This part of the family is from my step mother.)

I have been so blessed, or incredibly lucky.

Poetic feelings

I was given a book of poetry years and years ago by my Grandma Marianne, I don't remember the title of hand, but I always remember the book. It contains some of the more famous poems from John Donne, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, Robert Browning, an many others. A couple of days ago, I was given a poetry journal by a friend. In it contains poetry from people I have never heard of and might never hear of again.

In looking at the different poetry in both places, I have come to realize that poetry is something I love, but will never have the words to write. Not because I am a perfectionist and cannot compete with the people whom I admire, but because I don't have the feelings in me to write those words.

Of all writing poetry requires the most feeling, I believe. My emotions have been numbed over time, I don't have it in me to write about great love or great loss. Death and birth, changing life's direction, I am there. I see it. I feel it. I move on.

This is not all to say that I have no feelings, goodness, I would not be human or alive to not have feelings. What I am saying is that there are certain people in the world that feel deeply about things, I feel about everything, but I don't go deep because deep feelings hurt, and I am done hurting.

This is why I am a realistic optimist. I know that life hard, been there, done that, burned the tee shirt, but I also know that the sun comes out and life goes on. I love life and I will continue to live it to the fullest.

The Beginning...

I was told once that Shakespeare had written all there was to write about love. That every love story that has since been told is just a variation on his 'original' themes. If you look at movies and books today, yes, that really is all there is.

I am starting this blog to share my variation on the theme of life. Not just love and war. But all the ups and downs that happen in the lives of people, those I care about and those that really just make me cock my head to the side and say "WTF."

So let's start with me. I am a twenty-something single woman, living and working in the Washington D.C. area. I work at a job that I am proud of, yet would love to be able to do my real passion. Write. (We will get into that later, I'm very sure.) I have good friends and family, yet issues with both. I love where I live and even how I live (most of the time).

Basically, I am an average everyday kind of person who loves life, yet knows that life is not always perfect. I am a Realistic Optimist. One of my favorite quotes is "People complain that roses have thorns, I am just glad that thorns have roses." I don't remember who said it but it has always reminded me that in everything there is something that is good, or can be good, or even will be good. Bright side, people, bright side.

That is not to say that all I see is rainbows and butterflies. Please. I visit the dark side of life just like everyone else. Thing is, I don't stay, because rainbows and butterflies exist.

I have just realized something. This is going to be fun. Mostly because I can ramble on and on and on, and I don't see the eye rolling that usually comes part and parcel with rambling.

So here it is. The Beginning. I look forward to the journey.